No need for extravagance now!
Mrs. Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word, and that he remembered Pete, and it was certainly too bad he had passed away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars, but she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and said he would give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs. Monaghan sincerely thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for sale".
Lost Keys?
After a meeting a woman could not find her keys. She quickly gave herself a personal "TSA Pat Down."
They weren't in her pockets. Suddenly she realized she must have left them in the car. Frantically, she headed for the parking lot. Her husband has scolded her many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As she looked around the parking lot, she realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. she immediately called the police. She gave them her location, confessed that she had left her keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then she made the most difficult call of all to her husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. She thought the call had been disconnected, but then she heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was her turn to be silent. Embarrassed, She said, "Well, can you come and get me?"
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
Welcome to the golden years...
How Sweet!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...'
Computer Upgrades...
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend. In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, ~ Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck, Tech Support
I hope this put a smile on face... I hope ya'll have a great day!
Nana
Hilarious! I love a good joke.