Another year, another anniversary filled with more milestone birthdays, anniversaries, summer & winter trips . . . all without him.
It is always so bittersweet to feel like I am enjoying a memory that should have been us. “But he would want me to enjoy my life” That’s all true, but it doesn’t make the sinking feeling in my stomach go away when I think about how much time has just . . . gone.
The hardest part for me about all these yearly moments is that it feels like someone is literally rolling that clock forward and in turn, pushing life further away from the time I remember him being in. Two years turns into three, then four, then six to eight.
Grief is so tricky that way. It doesn’t really go away. We always carry it.
It’s kind of like having on a backpack that can’t be taken off. Sometimes it's so light I almost forget I have it on, I can even pull out a little memory with a smile. Then other times, like holidays or even when a certain song comes on... it feels like someone has filled it with rocks. It feels sometimes so heavy I don’t understand how I can move forward.
I will carry the weight until I have another moment where it feels light again . . . and guess what? It does eventually feels lighter again!
That’s OK. Carrying it means my kids, our grandkids, will know him. I like to pull out stories about him to tell them.
I wish I could tell him "Happy Anniversary" and by the way. I’m carrying around some new memories with me that I want to share with him.
"I have had some great times after my retirement. The world has been turned upside down with COVID-19 the last few years but I have gotten through is so far. It does me good to see our girls at least. Also, our Granddaughter, "Savannah/ now Sage" started back to school and is turning into a beauty.
Our grandson "Lucas" is getting so tall, his voice has changed and he has grown into a fine young man. You would truly be a puddle over them.
I know, like they say, you would want us to move on and we are trying to do that.
So for now, I’ll carry these memory with me, along with yours, until we can unpack them all together."
Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. I will celebrate it in my heart. I will be a puddle for a bit but the backpack will lighten I know again...
Love Eternal
Nana
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