It's been another year... a year filled with more birthdays, anniversaries, summer & winter trips... tragedy and all without him.
It is always so bittersweet to feel like I am enjoying a memory that should have been us. “But he would want me to go on and enjoy life.” That’s all true, but it doesn’t make the sinking feeling in my stomach go away when I think about how much time has just . . . gone!
The hardest part for me about all these yearly moments is that it feels like someone is literally rolling that clock forward and in turn, pushing life further away from the time I remember him being in it. Two years turns into three, then four, then six, eight and now nine.
Grief is so tricky. It doesn’t really go away. We always carry it.
It’s kind of like having on a backpack that can’t be taken off.
Sometimes it is so light I almost forget I have it on, I can even pull out a little memory with a smile . . . and other times, like holidays or even when a certain song comes on... it feels like someone has filled it with rocks.
It feels so heavy I don’t understand how I can move forward.
I will carry the weight until I have another moment where it feels light again . . . and guess what? That’s OK! Carrying it means our kids, our grandkids, will know him. I like to pull out stories about him to tell them.
I wish I could tell him "Happy 45th Anniversary Sweetheart" and by the way...
"I’m carrying around some new memories with me that I want to share,
I've had some great times after my retirement...
The world was turned upside down since COVID-19.
However, I have gotten through it so far. It gives my heart a blessing to see our babies, now grown women and their babies.
Our granddaughter, "Savannah now "Sage" is trying to heal in a new City and State and is turning into a beauty.
Our grandson, Lucas is growing so tall, his voice has changed and he is turning into a fine young man.
Both of our grandchildren will be driving in the very near future.
You would truly be a puddle over them.
Our Elizabeth & Sage have especially really needed you this last few years.
I have tried to do my best to be there for them, "for the both of us" during their pain and their new loves & different life.
I know, like they say, you would want us to move on & stand strong.
So for now, I’ll carry these memory with me, along with yours, until we can unpack them all together."
Today would have been our 45th wedding anniversary.
I will celebrate it in my heart!
Yes, I will be puddle for a bit but the backpack will lighten I know again...
Forever Love & Always...
His "Lady Di"
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