I would have tried harder to be a better "Mother."
I love my daughters so much it hurts. Some days I walk around bursting with the love that I have for them. It’s a physical condition, loving my kids, one that fills me with wonder and leaves me in awe of the infinite capacity of the heart.
These are the days I wear my love on my sleeve where I hope the girls can plainly see and feel it.
While they were growing up I tried to laugh and joke around as much as I would let myself.
I'd tried to ask for a full report of the day and listen closely as they go into detail.
I baked cookies just because.
I stayed up until wee hour of the morning to help them with a school projects.
Other days, I was depleted, overwhelmed and at loss but I got up and pushed onward. Some days I never fully caught up with the day.
I simply need to recharge and figure out how to keep going. This is when I was on autopilot, dragging my butt through the day and counting down the minutes until bedtime. I’m did not pay attention to my kids as much then. I’m might have been harsh, brash and a crazy woman at times.
However, my actual love for my kids didn't change, the level at which I’m outwardly expressing it sometimes did.
Worse I would let my inter-scared child rule me at times.
I should have found more strength to combat the feeling I didn't have a clue how to live with some of the life's pressures most of the of the time.
Here’s the things I realized: While we know we love our kids unconditionally and always, I know now & realized too late that unless we show them how we feel, they don’t necessarily experience that love.
Every kid receives love differently — one might respond more to words and another to physical affection, for example. It’s my job to learn what they needed and give them all I could.
I know at times I failed terriblely.
These are the things we as Mothers can work on while raising kids. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or monumental. It’s the little things, truly.
1. Did I Say the words?
Can you ever tell your child you love them too many times? I think not!
If your kids like mine were “you’re embarrassing me” stage, you can always set up a code. You could sometimes just say “1-4-3.” I’d let you figure that one out.
2. Did I show affection?
I wished I would have shown my kids I loved them with a hug or arm around the shoulder. This was harder for me because I realized all to late I never received that myself so I found it hard. Then when I tried I got that... You're squeezing to hard or something.
I dared not ruffle their hair, or grap them with a kiss, or just try to hold their hands. It was more with a high five sometimes.
I should tried harder for just a physical connection that reminds them I care.
3. Did I really, listen to them?
I fear at times I did not. I hope other parents remember "Put Your Phone Down"
We need to stop puttering around the kitchen or anything else.
Close that laptop and devote a few uninterrupted minutes of listening time to your child and hopefully they will feel valued. Plus, you might learn something cool about them you didn’t already know.
4. Need to do more goofing around.
Take time to be silly, even when you're usually the more serious parent. The never-fail kitchen dance party might become a favorite way to let loose.
My daughters liked to “do” their dad's hair and put on makeup on him, and we would all laugh. He was good at being goofy. Sometimes I wish I would have let myself get more goofy.
5. Did I spend enough one-on-one time with them?
I feel like I was always telling my kids I’m busy when they did want to hang out with me, so we should have planned more time.
I swear my girls were like different people when they got individual attention for a few hours.
6. Keep in contact.
I wished I would have tuck notes into my kids’ lunch boxes or book bag. Maybe wrote on their tangerines and napkins.
I should have sent them funny things and photos. Taking the time to communicate with them, in whatever mode they prefer, letting them know they were on my mind and in my heart.
7. I should have let them do stuff by themselves.
I know it’s a pain in the bum and can majorly slow you down, but letting kids do things for themselves shows them you believe in them.
It can take a 5-year-old a solid three minutes per shoe to tie them, but they were so proud of themselves once they did it — and one of my biggest regrets was: I should have let my oldest daughter cook and make that big mess all over the kitchen. I should have grinned and been patient.
8. Did I Show up?
I tried to be at every game or performance because I knew it makes an impact when I did. My girls had homemade costumes for plays, me as room mother with the cookies, brownies and cakes. I drove them to a multitude school activities.
I hope they noticed but sadly I'm not sure they did!
9. I tried to let them choose.
Whether it’s picking the activity, what to eat for dinner, or which movie to watch,
I hoped letting them make choices about how to spend time together was a great way to make them feel special.
We might end up having mac and cheese for the third time that week while watching Freddy Kruger Again, but I felt my sacrifice would be deeply appreciated by my kids. And if that made them happy, it was totally worth it.
10. Smile.
I had what I like to call “resting mom face.” By 5 p.m. my face is entirely slack and devoid of emotion or... yet at times a complete emotional breakdown.
I was usually just exhausted and handled the pressures all wrong, but my kids I'm sure thought I was sad, angry, or completely crazy even when I felt I still had a grip all to small but still a grip. That’s when I should have looked them in the eye and flash them a big, sloppy, grin, which would make them crack up. Smiles are like yawns: totally contagious. I know I totally messed up that too!
11. I tried to set boundaries.
Believe it or not, I was told all my life that kids feel safer and more confident when they know what they are and are not permitted to do or say.
I thought letting them have free rein over their schedules, food choices, or curfew could be overwhelming for a kid or young adult. I felt knowing someone cares about what they were doing made them feel loved, even if they complain about it. So I let them have some choices, but let them know their were parameters too.
I realize more now that there are so many ways to show kids we love them — countless ways. I believe now that you can’t overdo it. Love doesn’t spoil anyone. It just helps kids become confident, happy people who know what love looks like and how to pass it on.
I hope I did not screw up too badly and they realize I was sometimes a very flawed human but I always loved them no matter what and they were the reason I got out of bed in the morning.
I loved being their MOM and now a Grandma/Nana!
Happy Mother's Day!
Nana
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