Another year is here, a year filled with more milestone birthdays, anniversaries, summer & winter trips . . . tragedy and all without him.
It is always so bittersweet to feel like I am enjoying a memory that should have been us. “But he would want me to go on and enjoy life.” That’s all true, but it doesn’t make the sinking feeling in my stomach go away when I think about how much time has just . . . gone.
The hardest part for me about all these yearly moments is that it feels like someone is literally rolling that clock forward and in turn, pushing life further away from the time I remember him being in it. Two years turns into three, then four, then six and now eight.
Grief is so tricky that way. It doesn’t really go away. We always carry it.
It’s kind of like having on a backpack that can’t be taken off. Sometimes it is so light I almost forget I have it on, I can even pull out a little memory with a smile . . . and other times, like holidays or even when a certain song comes on... it feels like someone has filled it with rocks. It feels so heavy I don’t understand how I can move forward.
I will carry the weight until I have another moment where it feels light again . . . and guess what? That’s OK! Carrying it means our kids, our grandkids, will know him. I like to pull out stories about him to tell them.
I wish I could tell him Happy Anniversary and by the way...
"I’m carrying around some new memories with me that I want to share, I have had some great times after my retirement. The world has been turned upside down these last few years with COVID-19. However, I have gotten through it so far. It gives my heart a blessing to see our babies, now grown women and their babies.
Our granddaughter, "Savannah now Sage" started back to school in a new city and State and is turning into a beauty.
Our grandson, Lucas is growing so tall, his voice has changed and he is turning into a fine young man. You would truly be a puddle over them.
Our Elizabeth & Sage have especially really needed you this last year. I have tried to do my best to be there for them, "for the both of us" during their pain of losing Matthew and their new & different life.
I know, like they say, you would want us to move on & stand strong. So for now, I’ll carry these memory with me, along with yours, until we can unpack them all together."
Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. I will celebrate it in my heart. Yes, I will be puddle for a bit but the backpack will lighten I know again...
"Forever Love"
Nana
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