This January I had found a name that had been with me for many years.
I had lost and laid to rest a man with whom I could not have loved more for almost 37 years. A love that raised two beautiful daughters together, welcomed son in-laws and two grandchildren into our family.
I yearned for a deep love again before I closed my eyes for the last time.
I was overjoyed that day in January when I had found my Young Teenage Love's name on Facebook.
His relationship status was single.
I had aged and gained courage over these long years of living life so I send him a message on Messenger.
About a week later he reluctantly responded not knowing who I really was in contacting him.
I explained my name to him and found he was now single after three failed marriages. (This did give me pause but I was going to try to keep an open mind)
We talked for about a month relaying our past 49 years apart.
Each one excited to finding each other again.
As before: He started out so charming and gracious to me.
I was very vulnerable with the loss of my sweet
husband 9+ years ago.
My heart yearned for love once again.
His tale was he had bad experience with "Love" in his life and been hurt by women leaving him.
In fact I was one of the first.
I felt so guilty of that fact but... deep down I knew my youth was not ready for a life - long commitment then.
My desire was to make up for the pain he had endured over the years and finally make things right for us.
I left my snowbird vacation early to arrive into his arms.
I had such high hopes for our lost time & eventually maybe final reuniting.
However, the Hallmark Ending did not appear despite my attempt to bring happiness.
Behind closed doors I began to see a man I did not recognize.
How could I really know him after the years had shaped us.
I was looking for that sweet loving person that I thought I had known before.
He was actually not there behind the curtains.
I started to even questioned if he was really there before.
Through my years I had gained experience & education in the field of Psychology.
A pattern started to emerge as a text book case of narcissistic behavior from him.
The gaslighting and horrible anger outbursts & lying to me. Betrayals by this individual who I actually had held a candle for since a young adulthood.
He had always been the one road not taken.
I realized that I had probably romanized the relationship for decades.
He had developed a friendship and romantic relationship with several women over his lifetime.
I wanted to be respectful of his life without me but as the days progressed I had found he was not the man I had thought he was or even never had been.
I began to have doubts of the relationship when his female friends were allowed to hold a position that I should have been in with him.
After all he was all in for an engagement to me.
That is a story of it's own too. I saw it hard to stop his roll of urgency for our life together but at the time I thought it was endearing.
My real suspicion began with his stare that he had for the two women he called just friends.
Yes I met them.
The first was a woman he had known with her late husband. He had even admitted to a relationship with her for a short time after her husband's death but she was not able to commit to a marriage with him... yet she seemed like one of his family.
I found it fascinating that I seemed bring out a jealous streak in her.
She cornered me and made threats within inches of my face.
If she only knew that I could never be friends with someone who would ever approached me like she did... And in our very first meeting too.
Maybe she "did" know and that was intentional! 🤔
She would mock about me when he would tell her he was going to be somewhere with me.
I would hear her conversation and I even started to questioned his motives in letting me hear this.
However, he would still continued text her and jump at her telephone calls.
The nail in our relationship coffin was coming quickly when I found evidence of the 💋 😘😍🥰Kissy faces & hearts, emojis. Then... The... I love you & sexual talk texts with the other woman!
This was not my idea of just friends relationships & especially with me in the picture as the woman he professed to want to spend the rest of his life with!
In fact the marriage was a pushed scenario on me very quickly. His children did not want him to enter into another marriage.
I was doubting I wanted marriage either at this early stage of reignited love fires.
Plus there was a huge difference in wealth.
I never fully disclosed my assets. My husband & I worked hard for what we had accumulated over the 37 years. I was able to have a nice nest egg of $ & properties after his death.
Also, that tidy sum grew with more wise investments even after his death.
This had left me very cautious to who I connect with at this time.
I was only on board for us to have time to see where we would go & decide our next moves together.
My widowed life had been spending time at my Lake house 60 miles from him and wintering in Southern Mississippi and/or Florida every year.
This was a great distance & lifestyle change to be spending most of my time with him.
Plus helping in caring for his elderly parents every day as he wished.
(I did respect him for taking care of them).
However, later I would be appalled by the way he talked to his parents.
Never would I or have I ever utter the disrespect comments I heard there!
At the time I was determined to be there for him this time.
He was reluctant for us to share a living abode in full view of his church & parents.
So I mentioned that perhaps they we could get them to at least understand a commitment ceremony instead. This might even put cold water on his other ladies attention too.
I admit I was anxious about the idea of the so called just friends that he kept pursuing... the "kinky friendships".
I just had a premonition that things were not right and found abundance of evidence some weeks later.
I can confess right now that I have had absolutely no friends that I would ever sent 💋 😘😍🥰 & talked sexually about & with so I was absolutely appalled to have to watch the inappropriate behavior which prompted me to look at his hugely guarded phone later for evidence of why he guarded it so tightly.
Now to be honest I "did" start looking for a romantic place to have the commitment ceremony if/and when we chose to go further in a commitment.
In fact on one particular Saturday I had thought we were going to take a drive to Branson, MO to spend some alone time.
He asked me to drive his car so I obeyed his wishes and started to drive.
As we approached the freeway he suggested we go to the chapel in Eureka Springs to look at it since I had mentioned it might be wonderful place for a later date.
He then showed me he had brought the ring for me.
Earlier I had agreed to go look at rings to get my actual ring size.
Then he also had me reluctantly accept the expensive ring he had previously bought before. He assured me it had been strictly as an investment not something he gave to anyone else.
He even had a jewelry store resize it to fit me in case of an actual future commitment.
Long story short we walk into the Chapel with hearts of
"I thought commitment to be together as we could".
No marriage license just a quickly stop for a ring from Walmart for him as a seemly necessary committed response to him when he insisted we need to take commitment today... He was ready but was I really ready?
I had no plans or ring for him.
I had only agreed to an engagement to allow us time to see where we could go & yes to announce to the women in the wings. (He lead me to believe they were chasing him)
Well my life took a big hit later when I actually got to see his phone and saw he was the one that continued to send messages that were not appropriate for a man who appeared to be wanting so much commitment from me.
He even insisted letting everyone think we had married at that Chapel that Saturday.
I wanted to make him happy but I chose that I myself could never lie to my close friends and family.
They always knew the truth.
We did give our promise to be loyal & love each other.
An unknown stranger took our pics & witnessed our conversation which yes looked like a poorly dressed wedding.
Remember again I had no indention of doing this that Saturday morning.
He was not the same. He had everyone thinking we had married. Now I was in a boat... either jump out or play along.
So the lie began... that is until I found that phone he guarded so closely.
He never left it unattended & I finally found out why!
My heart was broken but when confronted he was only upset with me!
His response was "How dare I look at his phone."
I spent a few days contemplating what to do but my clear head ruled.
No woman should ever accept disrespect, disregard & no remorse for breaking your heart with obvious cheating even if it's text messages.
Remember "this is still cheating!"
I felt I had a wonderful heart to give someone who would actually respect & truly love me.
Not just use me for looks for a fake image that had been created for the World to see.
His behavior seemed like the typical Narcissist. I was only a pawn in his image game of illusion.
I packed my clothes & walked out while he was out on his errands that last Tuesday.
I had no interest in giving him anymore of my time & love that I had left to give on this earth.
I know my worth and I deserved better.
No man will ever be allowed to belittle, berate & betray
me again!
My Youthful Follies Were Laid To Rest In This Hallmark Movie That Never Was To Happening!
Now That's The Rest Of The Story. 🥺
Nana
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